Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Elusive Great Inspiration...

Where is the great inspiration?

Here I sit…waiting for some great inspiration to hit me for my blog this week. Yet, it  (the great inspiration) is being elusive. Those of you who blog know exactly what I am talking about, the great inspiration: the one thing that will make everyone reading go, “Wow! That was awesome.” 

Why do we put such pressure on ourselves? Is it deep down we truly are trying to be people-pleasers? We all know…we only need to please Jesus. On the other hand, I personally find myself at times wondering why so-and-so hasn’t returned my text, replied to my e-mail or left a comment on my blog. Then as a good little Jesus-follower, I beat myself up for caring what people think instead of focusing on only what Jesus thinks of me (Side note: focus is my one word for 2012).

Currently, in obedience, I have registered to go to She Speaks 2012. This is a wonderful conference for speakers and writers. Part of the process is raising funds for the conference fees. Almost immediately, the doubts start flying.

 What if I don’t raise the necessary funds?
Did I hear God right in registering for this conference?
 Does it mean my God-sensor is broken or malfunctioning if the funds are not raised?

All of those and others run rampant in my mind. Renee Swope calls them AM (Against Me) thoughts in “A Confident Heart"). Renee is one of the people God has brought into my journey through the Confident Heart online bible study in the past 6 months.

This journey has included me reading Scriptures and tons of other materials (including a fast of Scriptures only, which you can read about here). God during this time in my life has taken me through Job, Philemon, the Gospel accounts of Jesus from his betrayal to resurrection, James, and presently Acts. Some of you are still amazed Job is in this list.

Last August-October was a tough time for my family. God used Job to reveal there would be a proverbial “light at the end of the tunnel” with what we were walking through. The travel to the “light” would include moving to another state, apologies, part-time job beginning, part-time job ending, finding a love for photography (seeing God’s view of the world through a camera lens), rediscovering God’s calling for me to write, and in May surgery.  My darling Sweetie has stuck by me through this all…God gave me a good man.

It is through the reading mentioned above, I am finding my Savior talking to me.  He uses such wonderful and loving people such as Rachel Olsen, Renee Swope, Mary DeMuth, Clayton King and Tullian Tchividjian to name a few.  Wonderful people, who have been obedient to His calling of writing and speaking to reach me (plus so many others…for we know it is not all about me J).

These people are honest and transparent about their struggles and doubts. This has me wanting to be transparent about my struggles…alas; I am not there quite yet.

Part of my problem is the major stumble in my walk last year. This stumble affected my family, my church and my ministry to college students. Hence, the apologies part of this journey in my travels through this tunnel to the light referenced.

 Remember the old DC Talk song, “What if I stumble”:

If struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you've carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar?
Do they see the fear in my eyes? Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise all the doubt I'm feeling

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall

This is where I am…I have stumbled and fallen. Dreading that my trespass has left a deadly scar. More AM thoughts running rampant through my mind. However, I know that God’s love is still here and will never fail. Yes, FM thought!

What I am not sure of is how He will continue to use me? I don’t want to go back to where I was. What I truly want at the end of the day is for God to be glorified!

Have you ever stumbled in a way that has caused you to doubt how God will use you?
How do you deal with it?

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